


Chalk or Fire

by string



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, F/F, Friendship, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2018-01-01 00:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/string/pseuds/string
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The stupid thing was that, beyond the first second of "oh god, Grace Florrick", Kalinda didn’t even think about it. </i>
</p><p> </p><p>Grace comes to Kalinda for a favour shortly after 5.07, but nothing is ever quite so simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chalk or Fire

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this, but I wanted to get it up before Sunday, so here we are. I should also point out that I've actually seen very little of season five, so I'm really sorry if anything is glaringly unlikely or out of character. This story happened because four details from got stuck in my brain and coalesced unexpectedly into... this.
> 
> (Warnings in end notes.)
> 
> ETA: I changed the summary because, while this was written after 5.06, it's consistent with 5.07 and 5.07 gives both Grace and Kalinda specific motivation to act the way they do.

The stupid thing was that, beyond the first second of _oh god, Grace Florrick_ , Kalinda didn’t even think about it. 

Grace leaned against the doorframe of the room Kalinda was using and said _So I was thinking_ , in a hesitant voice. She looked both older and younger than Kalinda had ever seen her, even when she’d gone off alone across the city to cleanse her sins. With her straightened hair and her heavier makeup, the prim uniform and the inches she’d gained, Kalinda wasn’t sure anyone in the office other than Will and herself would immediately recognise Grace. 

It made it foolishly easier to say _Okay_ when Grace admitted _I want to be able to protect myself_.

It didn’t occur to her at the time, but later she would wonder why she didn’t ask _From what?_ Why she didn’t press _Does your mother know you’re here?_ But Grace was a woman in a way that made the same scared-brave face she’d had as long as Kalinda had known her a little more concerning. Kalinda wanted to take away just a little of the scared, if she could, and Alicia had made it clear that it wasn’t her place to get involved. She would kick herself later for the old instincts that equated _don’t get involved_ with _none of my business_ in a way that had nothing to do with what Alicia had meant.

So Kalinda just asked _What did you have in mind?_ And she’d maybe done things a bit like this before, so when Grace said _I don’t know, exactly_ , in that small voice but also tried to surreptitiously look for a gun, Kalinda suggested meeting elsewhere to discuss it without a second thought. 

Kalinda was confused by the way Grace’s shoulders slumped until she realised Grace had assumed it was a polite way to blow her off. Kalinda suppressed a sigh and checked the time and her notebook and offered _I also have some free time now, if you’d like_. So they went to the coffee shop across the street and discussed terms and exchanged numbers because it seemed impolite to say _I’ve had your number since you terrified your parents that time_ , and Kalinda had a feeling Grace was having a similar thought.

Even that didn’t make her stop to think, and Kalinda had to wonder later if she was ignoring it on purpose.

It was both easier and more fun than Kalinda had expected. Grace was an avid learner and clearly needed something to work out frustrations on. Kalinda never forgot the reasons she’d agreed in the first place, and Grace’s questions were more pragmatic than was reassuring, and they were both careful never to mention her parents, but Kalinda started looking forward to it in spite of herself.

Their schedules were erratic enough that the same time each week was impractical, so they had to text regularly. Somewhere along the way, though, texts like _monday at 8?_ became interspersed with things like _zach just dyed his entire wardrobe pink_ or _there’s a chinese place on my way, want me to grab something?_ or even occasionally _David Lee just had a fit because someone’s kid threw up on his shoes_. They learned each other’s coffee and takeout preferences without thinking about it and Kalinda found she could never have anticipated how much she was enjoying it.

Kalinda could sometimes see a bit of fear in Grace that wasn’t just nervousness, and she noticed the way Grace flinched at certain sounds, and she tried to make herself seem like someone Grace could come to. But she’d been seventeen once too and she was careful to never, ever pry.

Kalinda tried not to think about things like how half of what she heard about Alicia came from Grace these days, even though they never talked about her. She’d realise later that she genuinely didn’t notice the things like how Grace had been to her apartment and Alicia never had.

It was three months in when, for the first time, Grace didn’t text to let Kalinda know when she was available. They’d taken a week off for Grace’s exams and work had been chaotic and Kalinda waited a few days before she let herself text Grace instead.

She went home exhausted that night, long past the adrenaline rush that had pulled her through unearthing the critical evidence for Will’s case, which had been keeping her constantly busy for a week and had been eating at the edges of what sleep she could get. Any concern about Grace was distant in face of relief, delayed reactions, and the pull of sleep.

The adrenaline came rushing back at the sight of the strip of light under her door.

 

Grace had been subdued for weeks. Alicia was worried, but Grace had exams and Alicia had to deal with the firm and a new calendar year and she checked in with Grace whenever she could. 

The morning of the last day of exams was crisp and bright and Alicia remembered because Grace was chipper at breakfast. Alicia assumed it was exam relief, she remembered Grace saying the last one was the easiest. Grace’s mood made Alicia easy and cheerful too.

Which only made it more of a shock when she was pulled out of a meeting for a call from the school. She wasn’t even angry at first, because the idea of Grace fighting was so preposterous that there had surely been a mistake.

But when she walked into the school with calm righteousness, there was Grace, with a black eye and a split lip and leaning carelessly against a tired-looking girl with a cane and thick glasses that were taped together at the corner. Careless like she wasn’t black and blue and suspended from school. Alicia found herself suddenly, sharply furious.

She walked past Grace without being able to say a word and stepped into one of the most surreal meetings of her life. The deputy head was warm and regretful and a flurry of words like _hate-crime_ and _immediate expulsion_ and _horrified_ and _zero-tolerance policy against violence_ and _mandatory out-of-school suspension_ slid by Alicia in an increasingly baffling wave. Last and most of all was _We’ll do our best to make sure this has the least possible negative effects for your daughter, Mrs Florrick._

 _Thank you_ was stiff on her lips and she stood carefully, taking the folder and hoping it’s contents would be easier to understand than the whirlwind she’d faced inside the office. Grace hopped up as soon as the door reopened and followed her without prompting, unrepentant but obedient. 

Sitting in the car, Alicia stared straight ahead, trying to settle enough to drive when nothing was making any sense. The _Sorry_ was soft and Alicia jerked because talk about déja vù. But it sounded like _Sorry I got suspended_ not _Sorry I got in a fight_ and Alicia dropped her hand from the ignition. _You got in a fight_ and Alicia’s voice was so tight it hurt her throat; she saw Grace’s jaw clench. _Somebody had to do something_. Alicia took a measured breath before she could manage _We do not solve our problems with violence_. Grace didn’t answer and Alicia didn’t know what to do with that, didn’t know what Grace was thinking. She hated it.

The next few hours were a flurry of yelling, and figuring things out, the feeling that she was doing a puzzle with only half of the pieces, and so, so much disappointment. Even if less and less of the disappointment was directed at Grace, the more she worked out. Over the next days they settled into a litany of _we do not solve our problems with violence_ , accompanied by attempts to communicate better, phone and computer restrictions, and Grace doing schoolwork at the office. Alicia met the girl with the glasses, who was odd but kind.

It happened Wednesday just after lunch, when Alicia had Grace’s phone because that was part of the deal and she checked it when it vibrated because Grace was waiting for a response about a group project.

She thought she was seeing things, for a moment. She blinked and looked again, but the name was the same and she couldn’t help opening the message. _Are we on for this week?_ She staved off all reactions, slightly desperate but _surely Kalinda wasn’t that rare a name?_ She checked the number and recognised it immediately. Alicia went back to the messages with a sick fascination and denial tight in her gut. 

She sat back after a moment with a faint rushing in her ears and considered her afternoon schedule with the cold detachment of someone who was suspending all feelings until a more convenient point in time. (She already wasn’t sure how long she could keep it up.) She stood rigidly and packed her briefcase, though she wasn’t sure she’d get much work done. She stopped to tell Cary something had come up on the way to the office Grace was using, standing in the doorway for a curt _We’re leaving_. Maybe the worst part was that Grace seemed to have no idea what was the matter. 

She tried not to think of anything but how to get home until she could lock the apartment door behind them. She paused then, because sitting politely in the living room seemed like pageantry, but... but she was still clinging to the possibility that she was blowing things out of proportion. 

She lead the way, sitting on the chair and facing the couch, staring at Grace, who was looking at her with a little less bafflement and a lot more trepidation. _Why is Kalinda texting you?_ The way Grace swallowed and looked away confirmed all Alicia’s fears. _Why didn’t you come to me?_ But Grace’s response wasn’t what she was expecting, sharp with _How many times do I have to tell you?_ and _No one would have believed us_ , and _We tried, okay?_ Sharp with words like _humiliated_ and _scared_ that didn’t prepare her for the soft _I know something happened with you guys but it’s not her fault, okay? I never told her why, she just thought I wanted to know how to protect myself_.

It set Alicia shaking with a whole new rage and hurt. Because _how dare she_.

She was halfway to Kalinda’s apartment by the time she realised her own folly. It was late afternoon. Anyone not in the midst of a personal crisis would be at work, and Kalinda was known to work later than many. She glanced back the way she’d come, and her hastily packed briefcase caught her eye. It would have to do.

Alicia’s work was spread out on the coffee table, her rage still boiling under her efficiency, when footsteps finally stopped in front of the door and a shadow was visible against the light from the hall. She bit out _It’s open,_ sharp and cruel and not the least bit regretful.

Kalinda opened the door immediately, her frown puzzled and possibly concerned but her rapid breathing betraying a fear Alicia hadn’t considered. Kalinda stepped stiffly past her to put down her keys and Alicia pushed down her guilt and let the anger she’d been holding back boil up and over. 

It wasn’t calm. There had always been an awful calmness to their fights in the past, partly a factor of being at work and partly something else. Alicia accused, yelled, crowded, but her betrayal felt endless. Her spent energy seemed only to compress the tension in the room; Kalinda’s responding anger was infuriating instead of cathartic. 

Something was shifting and _She was in danger and you wouldn’t even tell me_ was ragged. Kalinda stepped forward, glaring and furious. _It wasn’t about you!_ And then she froze, looking a little shocked, but Alicia didn’t have time to parse why. Because it sounded like it might be true and shouldn’t Alicia feel better that Grace hadn’t been caught up in an attempt to hurt her? She blamed it on Kalinda trying to deflect from her own dishonesty and stepped closer again, enough that she could feel Kalinda’s suddenly faster breaths against her skin. _You made my daughter lie to me. Again. You ran around with her behind my back and-_

Alicia choked on air because- because those words- because that was a big part of it. The ache of Grace not coming to her, of losing her daughter to an independence she didn’t even want was still hollow and huge, but it was a bit duller. There was a sharp, twisting, guilty pain overlaid that had nothing at all to do with Grace.

Alicia took a shaky breath and turned on her heel. She swore aloud when she stepped out into the sharp wind. She’d left everything in Kalinda’s apartment. Everything. She patted her suit down and laughed a little helplessly when all she found was Grace’s phone. She crossed her fingers and dialled the office, walking away from Kalinda’s building.

Cary was obliging, offering only _Do you wanna talk about it?_ when she settled into the passenger seat of his car. She got only a sympathetic pat when she shook her head, for which she was grateful.

 

Kalinda sat down shakily.

She had no idea what had made Alicia turn tail and run, but she was grateful. Because... because she’d spent a lot of time putting Alicia first and while it was arguably pretty stupid it was something she had made her peace with. 

But Grace hadn’t been about putting Alicia first. It might have started that way, a little, but it had long since become exclusively about Grace as a person, not about guilt or friendship or feelings. And that somehow made it more significant. Because she was choosing to spend time with Grace for her own sake. It was nothing like single-mindedly retrieving her because the thought of Alicia’s grief was unbearable. It was nothing like hating herself a little for how much insignificant moments with Alicia meant to her, or that vague osmotic affection she’d developed for Zach and Grace in spite of herself.

She genuinely cared about Alicia’s kids and she stared at Alicia’s spread out paperwork, hating herself for it.

 

 _Will called to say he has your stuff and he can meet us the office_ , Cary’s voice was baffled and Alicia had no idea how to deal with that information. She felt hungover, though she’d gone straight to bed the night before. _Should I pick you up?_

Will was stiff and chilly at the office, but also strangely gentle. They’d moved past constant attempts at sabotage around Christmas and had turned over a new leaf of chilly professionalism and unrelenting competition with the new year. (Robyn had been amused when she pointed it out. Alicia and Cary had been worn so thin they had descended into helpless, hysterical laughter.) Nothing about the newfound civility between Florrick and Agos and Lockhart and Gardner explained the courteousness of what was clearly not a professional visit. Grace watched it all with narrowed eyes and managed a surprised reply to Will’s _See you, Grace_.

Cary raised his eyebrows after Will left, but accepted Alicia’s shrug.

 

Like her, Will had gone straight home after the verdict - which meant she found him exactly where she expected to the next morning.

He looked up to smile when she walked in without knocking, and again to frown when she sagged into the opposite end of the couch. _I need a favour_. His body language said _sure_ before he did. _Can you get these to Alicia for me?_ she gestured to the coat and briefcase she’d leant against the couch. The _but why me?_ was just as expected as the _Of course_. 

 _Because Cary would want to know why_. He frowned, _And I won’t?_ Kalinda bit her lip, then spoke carefully, _Her car keys are in the coat, I think Cary drove her home. But Grace was suspended from school for fighting and I’m pretty sure she has Grace’s phone_. She swallowed, looked away to add a little woodenly _I can give you the number if you want_.

Will let out a soft sigh _Shit, K_. Then, _I get it_ , he added. _Is Grace okay?_ Kalinda’s wry smile looked like it hurt. _I think so?_ She shrugged stiffly, _It kind of got glossed over last night_.

His smile was gentle and achey and sympathetic. _I’ll see what I can do_ was firm, but he kept watching her. He looked like he was trying to decide whether to say something. Finally, with the gentlest voice, _Do you know what you want?_

She just sighed and looked away, not offering any answer. He stood to grab Alicia’s things, squeezing Kalinda’s shoulder before he left.

She got a curious look from Will’s most recent AA when she left his office, but it was early enough that hardly anyone else noticed. Her phone vibrated just as she finished re-prioritising everything that had been pushed aside for the last case: _She looks good. Has a black eye going green, it’s very flattering_. Kalinda typed in various permutations of _good_ and _thanks_ with the occasional _what about Alicia?_ before she shoved her phone in her pocket and got to work.

Kalinda lay in bed, earlier than usual, trying to catch up on sleep but stuck on _do you know what you want_. Because the answer was a foolish, fervent _yes_. But the _Alicia_ that had been there for years had been joined by _Grace_ in a completely different way and _not practical or worth the trouble_ had been supplanted by _would weather Peter_. And what Kalinda desperately wanted at the moment was to turn off her brain because it was so pointless, all nullified by _what does Alicia want?_

She groaned at the sound of a knock at her door. She desperately wanted to ignore it, but she knew better. Kalinda rolled out of bed, grabbing a sweater on her way. She yanked open the door with a glare, expecting Will, maybe Cary, perhaps her superintendent.

Not Alicia.

Kalinda felt her expression slacken. Alicia looked exhausted and Kalinda stepped back automatically to let her in. _Oh. Shit. Were you asleep?_ Kalinda blinked and shook her head, staring at Alicia, standing uncomfortably, just inside the closed door. _I just- I wanted to apologise. I reacted disproportionately last night, for something that wasn’t your fault_. Alicia looked away, _I’m sorry for that_. Kalinda uncrossed her arms, reaching out. _Look, Alicia_ , Alicia flinched away from her, ever so slightly, and Kalinda froze. She swallowed hard, turning stiffly to walk to the kitchen, managing to force _Thank you for your apology_ through uncooperative lips.

 

Alicia rubbed her hands over her face, taking a shaky breath. That wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to come here and apologise to Kalinda so that she could go back to avoiding everything in peace. Kalinda wasn’t supposed to open the door underdressed and mussed. She wasn’t supposed to want to touch Alicia. Alicia wasn’t supposed to get distracted by her own attraction, she wasn’t supposed to act any differently. She wasn’t supposed to make things fucking worse.

She stepped forward, _Kalinda, I_ \- Alicia sighed as Kalinda opened a cupboard a little jerkily, keeping her back to Alicia.  Alicia looked to the door, then back to the woman in front of her. It was clear Kalinda wanted her to leave, and Alicia didn’t blame her, but-

 _Do you ever want something you can’t have?_ Alicia winced at the clatter of Kalinda’s glass in the sink. Alicia took a deep breath, staring at Kalinda’s toes, poking out from under her yoga pants and just visible from where Alicia stood. _And if it takes you by surprise_ , Alicia blinked and wished her voice was firmer, _do you ever lash out?_

Kalinda was gripping the sink, _What do you want, Alicia?_ Kalinda’s voice was shakier than her own and Alicia took a ragged, fortifying breath and stepped closer again. She swallowed and ran her knuckles gently down Kalinda’s back, _Just... I’m sorry_. She turned quickly, not wanting to overstay her welcome any longer than necessary.

_What the fuck, Alicia?_

Alicia froze, then turned slowly to face Kalinda. She looked tired and confused and at the end of her patience. Alicia took a fortifying breath, her eyes catching again momentarily on the way shadows played across Kalinda’s chest before she looked away. _I’ve been somewhat unfair, for reasons I hadn’t considered_ , she looked down. _I just wanted you to know that_. Kalinda gave a short, disbelieving laugh and threw up her hands. _What does that even mean? God Alicia, do you even know what you mean?_ She shook her head, _Could you actually tell me, if you wanted to?_

Alicia blinked at her. At her resignation, at the way her arms were crossed protectively, at how much this felt like a last chance. Kalinda frowned when she stepped forward, her eyes widening when Alicia reached to cup her cheek.

The kiss was chaste but firm. Alicia pulled away, looking down but not lowering her hand. _No, I can’t explain it. Not yet_. She started to move away, but Kalinda caught her wrist.

 _Fuck_.

Kalinda pulled her back like she wasn’t sure she’d get another chance, kissing her hard and openmouthed. Alicia pulled her in with the wrist Kalinda still held, still a little unsure what to do with her hands, still off-balance in spite of how good the kiss felt. She reached tentatively to run her free hand down Kalinda’s side, the brush of her wrist against the side of Kalinda’s breast unfamiliar but just right. _Fuck_ , Kalinda gasped it softly, dragging her lips past Alicia’s jaw to lean her forehead against her collarbone. _What are we doing?_

Alicia’s lips brushed Kalinda’s ear as she spoke: _What do you want us to be doing?_

**Author's Note:**

> It's all pretty vague, but  
> \- references to long-term disability-based bullying of an unspecified nature  
> \- brief suspicion/fear of the existence of a relationship with problematic power dynamics


End file.
